I've rewritten this post about 46 times now.

All I wanted to say is that I want to make friends.  I just can't get past a certain point with people.

Update: And that didn't help.

I want to write something about my feelings.

I'm pretty, but only partially fascinating.  I need a hobby.  I will choose to fly kites.  No, I can't do that.

Maybe I'm just cranky today and woke up on the wrong side of the bed: my side.  As evidenced by my last statement, I'm just cranky.

This is what we call verbal diarrhea via key...bored.

What I've Gotten From Russia

100 Sunburns

200 Reasons to Leave/Return

300 Shots of Vodka

400 New Words

500 Americanos

600 Phone Numbers

700 Cigarettes

800 Requests for Change

900 Stares

1000 Mosquito Bites

My Feet Smell: Evidence of Washington and Russia

PEE KAY
Doppleganger Hangout, Bizarro World, The Nation's Capitol?
Like I've never been to a pool before
Wear Strawberries and Eat Churches
Fat-Burning Furnace, How I Did It
Snatch a Mouthful
Breast-Feeding on the Grounds
Rotten Root Beer
Caucasian Captive

Bad Spellers Untie!

Haha, I've never seen that before.

Charley would appreciate that one.

Is he a good speller?

Yes, a rare find.

Wow, T-bone would love him a lot. A refreshing change from all the losers brought to her doorstep over the years

Yeah? Is there a story about this?

Yes:

1. Maura's boyfriend, who was telling T-Bone about a special on TV about Egyptian mummies, said they opened a tomb and the whole thing was full of esophaguses!

2. T-Bone's hillbilly neighbor, who had a kid arrested, said she was going to have to get a lawyer so they could "flea bargain."

3. The friend who said that another woman was so mean to her friends that she was "annihilating" everyone. I think she meant to say 'alienate.'

4. Her sister was beyond fat. She was 'obeast'. I love that one.

5. One of the pastors I work with gaffed the other day. We were texting each other and he called the other pastor a "pre-Madonna". I guess he had not ever seen prima donna spelled out.

When I Return

1. Confirmation

2. Tanzanian Peaberry

3. The Back of Ben and Jerry's

4. Writing a Song

5. Playing BINGO!

6. Getting Registered

7. Burying the Hatchet

8. A Lot of Field Work

9. Pudding it in Your Desk

10. Making Lasagna

11. Getting on Your Case

12. Get to Know Your Guts

13. Sealing the Deal

14. Fucking up Your Gchat

Family Programming

This morning my mother pretty much called me an anxious wreck and that I seem to be merging on the edge of numerous anxiety attacks.  You know what?  She's wrong.

I'm happy.

I'm fucking smart.

I'm in love.

I'm going to Russia.

I'm surrounded by the greatest people.

Don't Buy Your Own Bullshit, Crater-Face*

1. Cinnamon In It

2. Extra Texture

3. Edited It

4. We Miss Mrs. Meniscus

5. No Way Jose Zone

6. Ensconced in Whatnot

7. Mispronounced Ms. Pronounciated

8. Gross Growth

*Most of these are not my creative phrasings, but rather a collective effort for the absurd by the absurd.  Give a hand to Chloe, Emily, Zachary, and Charley.

Other Ideas:

1. Face Wars

Publishing Posts Past Written

1. Rows upon rosy pawn toes.

2. 

"Well, Maybe Not That Fast"

1. Here are some chips.

2. You left this EXTREMELY important letter on my dashboard.

3. You're devastatingly handsome.

4. I want Q.J. to have her babies.

5.

6. The weather is bee-a-yoo-tee-ful.  Go play!

7. Freckles

8. Toni Braxton

9. Sponge baths, hypothyroidism, and cubs

10. I love a bad Charley almost as much as I love a good reuben.

11. You may be wondering, "Who the hell is Reuben?"

12. Old dog tray (p. 67)

Gotcha, Captcha!

With as much conscience effort to ignore any Latin roots and coherence, here are my definitions of these 'captchas':

1. Numanil: n. A person who finds light from electronic devices to be extremely comforting

2. Ressesin: n. The unhealthy obsession with creating a 'State of Nature'

3. Muraff: n. The clinical name for heartburn occurring in premature adolescents.

4. Lypersid: n. One goofy-ass, asymmetrical haircut and/or hairstyle

5. Clatsuse: n. A special type of trap that captures very large, absurd animals, such as women named "Bertha"

6. Coduine: adj. Sparse and varied in size, often in reference to freckle patterns

The Spring Semester's Competition (In Chronological Order)

1. Northern Pikes

2. !!!!!!!!!

3. Starting homework twelve hours late

4. Deactivating

5. RUH-ROH

6. On the beach

7. Broke and swarmed by flies in every which way

8. Figuring out what I want, resulting in suicide

9. Deep, DEEP holes.  CHAMP.

10. A failing body.  Youth, I'll never know say aloud how much I torture you.

11. БАТЕРЕЕЙРАБОТАТЬ??!@?!??&%ЁЁ!?

12. Making pie of possibilities and honey.

13. Beefin' up.

14. Once, twice, three times the lady.  And by lady I mean bacterial throat infection.

15. Adulterating, combining stages, vitamins, lofty ideals, craftsmanship, and a pinch of siamese cats into myself.  A word to the wise: Quit admiring God's work.

Testing, Check, Check

One hen, two ducks, three squawking geese,

Four limerick oysters,

Five corpulent porpoises,

Six pairs of Don Alverzo's tweezers (Ouch!),

Seven thousand Macedonians in full battle array (Hey!),

Eight brass monkeys from the ancient sacred crypts of Eeeeeegypt,

Nine! apathetic, sympathetic, diabetic old men on roller-skates with a marked propensity towards procrastination and sloth,

Ten! lyrical, spherical diabolical denizens of the deep who hall stall around the corner of the quo of the quay of the quivery all at very the same time!

It's 4:30 in the fucking morning.

Secrets

1. Double Hernia

2. Double Dater

3. Double DNA (Dumb Bitch, I'll take your kidneys)

4. Double Trouble

5. In Over MY HEAD!

Apostrophes

1. Oh, Youth!  I'll never say aloud how much I torture you.  You are constantly failing and you will kill me.

2. Oh, Love!  You use me more than I use your aftermath, your products.  Who are you and why won't you let me sit next to you at the table?

3. Oh, Word Play!  I'm using you, I think.

4. Oh, Circulation!  You aren't what you used to be, I'm sure.

5. Oh, Seven!  What makes you so damn lucky?

6. Oh, Lord!  Shine your light into my heart, so I may be like you.  And if you have children, then nevermind.

7. Oh, Honesty!  You are the best policy!  This is why I must avoid you.

8. Oh, Friends!  Oh.

9. Oh, Trouble!  You are encoded in my genes.  You're on the same gene that dictates glucose reception, eyelash length, and my propensity for asking questions.

10. Oh, No!  You!

Karma Repair Kit: Items 1-4

1. Get enough food to eat,

         and eat it.

2. Find a place to sleep where it is quiet,

         and sleep there.

3. Reduce intellectual and emotional noise

        until you arrive at the silence yourself,

        and listen to it.

4.

A poem by Richard Brautigan

TTAAPP

2. I just want to fall in love two.

Funny at the Time, Not Funny Now

1. Knickerbockered

2. Nabokov, His Life in Art

    Nabokov, His Life in Part

3. Из-за чего вы не пошли на дискотеку?

4. Oftener

5. Transient Ischemic Attack (Ministroke)

6.

What Do You Notice About This Video?

For One of My Dearest Friends